1. Boners are like wild stallions. We can’t tame them. They come and go as they please. Even after the hormonal apocalypse that is puberty, boners can show up at any time: when we’re aroused, when we’re browsing Facebook, at a funeral, when we’re wistfully staring out a window, and when we’re actively not trying to get a boner.
2. Balls are equally impossible. You know when you see that sad-looking, dead-eyed mom yelling at her kids to stop running around the supermarket knocking stuff over? We are the mom, and those kids are our balls. They’re always getting tangled in our underwear like dolphins in netting or playing pranks on our butt by slipping under them when we sit down. We love our penis. We hate our balls.
3. WE DON’T KNOW WHY THERE IS HAIR ALL OVER EVERYTHING, EITHER. Look, it’s not like we stood over the bathroom sink for 20 minutes willing our body hair to fall out onto everything.
4. Face shaving is more annoying than leg shaving. Sure, legs are longer than a face, but you’ve got a pretty smooth surface area. We’re contending with all these weird contours and a whole other set of lips. And unless a guy is blessed with a beautiful beard, if he lets it go more than a day, he looks like a middle-schooler in the throes of puberty. If women don’t shave for a day, no one notices.
5. We will never be able to sleep on our sides. At least not without a pillow or a blanket between our knees. It’s tough to sleep when your thighs are crushing your penis like a vice.
6. We pee in weird places because peeing in weird places is amazing. Outside. Into a sink. Onto a sink. Drawing in the snow. When you can pee standing up, the world is your toilet. And treating the world like your toilet is amazing. Need to pee on a long car trip? As long as you have one of those big Gatorade bottles, you’re set. Bathroom line too long at a music festival (or you don’t trust porta-potties)? Just find a secluded glen and pee away. Want to pee outside to exert your mastery over the natural world? You can. No cleanup. It’s not gross, it’s fun.
7. When we’re sitting on the toilet and our penis touches the bowl, it’s equivalent to walking through a ghost. Words don’t do justice to how it feels to have your peehole smushed up against cold, wet porcelain. If this happens in a public restroom, we text our friends and family to say good-bye, fully confident we just contracted a lethal illness.
8. Being kicked in the balls is the worst pain. Before anyone counters with “childbirth, tho” just remember that at the end of that you get a baby, one of the greatest, most life-changing presents life can bestow upon you. At the end of getting kicked in the balls, all you get is nausea and tears.
9. People are constantly judging our masculinity levels — and it sucks. No sane person would argue that men are oppressed, but guys are expected to be strong, nurturing, and totally not into baking or rom-coms. That’s crappy if you’re a guy who’s never been to the gym and is frightened of spiders, but can make a badass soufflé. What if the world’s greatest soufflé maker in the world lived and died without having anyone taste his creations because he was too afraid to share his passions with the world?
10. Jerking off is fun and easy for us so, yeah, we do it a lot. Sometimes we just do it to kill time, like playing Candy Crush. Hell, sometimes we play Candy Crush and masturbate. As long as tissues are around, cleanup is the equivalent of blowing our nose.
11. We’re not staring at other women because we want to be with them. A deeply primal part of our brain just said, “Oh, damn, bro. Check it out, boobs.” And we listened. We won’t remember those boobs in the next 30 seconds.
12. It’s really hard to express emotions when you’re not allowed to cry. All right, it’s not that we need to cry all the time, but the only acceptable male emotions are “angry” and “hanging out,” and the second one isn’t even an emotion. Sometimes it’s easier to bottle stuff up instead of expressing opinions or “talking about it” or whatever. Actually, some of us are dead inside.
13. The joy of seeing how far away from a toilet you can pee without missing. Yes, this is the second pee-related thing on this list, and yes, we’re sure you would do it if you could.
14. Guy code. Words are not needed for men to communicate with each other. A simple nod can be used to express respect or simply acknowledge that another bro has a hot date.
15. When we get turned on, our brains tune everything else out. Is sex on the table? Escaping this burning building can wait.