That’s not all you ordered, right?
1. Great. This date is already over. Ordering a salad on the first date is like ordering a water at a bar, or ordering a salad at a bar.
2. Do you just want to go home now instead? We can scrap this before it’s too late. All I ordered so far was a Coke.
3. That’s not even a real meal, it’s garnish for other meals. Can you at least admit that you’re just eating accouterment?
4. I have not seen half of those vegetables before. What are they? That shit isn’t carrots. I’ve never seen endive before, but I know it exists. Is that endive?
5. My grandma used to order salads all the time. I thought it was just because she had soft teeth. Do you have soft teeth? Is that something I’m allowed to ask?
6. That’s supposed to be a second course. It’s not even an appetizer. It’s a pallet cleanser in between real food. Are you really just going to settle for that?
7. Did you just ask for no croutons? That’s half the meal. That’s like asking for a hot dog without a bun.
8. That took five seconds to make and it was still 20 dollars. I could throw a bunch of green stuff in a bucket too, for a quarter of the price. If you want a $20 bucket, I could mix in some caviar or lobster. I’ll mix you up a fancy lobster bucket, girl.
9. You’re going to be hungry again in half an hour. I know we’re going to be stopping at Burger King on the way home. Do you want me to just call ahead and have two bacon cheeseburgers waiting for us?
10. That plate is huge but it’s pretty much all lettuce. It’s like taking a Ferrari and turning it into a peddle car.
11. You’re going to eat half of my food, aren’t you? And then I won’t have enough to eat, like some kind of hunger transference. At this point, we’re stopping at Burger King because I need to.
12. I know you sneak cookies at night. Eating a salad doesn’t really count if you eat a sleeve of Chips Ahoy right afterwards.
13. Does that even have dressing? I mean, it’s still boring but at least that will add some flavor.
14. Wait, are you getting half of the salad to go? Did you just eat before we came here or something? Why didn’t you say something? This is the fanciest restaurant we’re going to go to all year. We could’ve come another time. A time you didn’t get Subway at 4 PM and said yes to the sandwich artisan who asked if you wanted the double meat special because “he had sad eyes.”