Are you faking your orgasm?
1. “Does she notice my body hair?” There are patches of hair where there shouldn’t be and smooth, hairless areas where you’d expect it, like some kind of body hair patchwork quilt. Or there’s a disturbingly long, single hair sticking out of my shoulder. How and why does that happen? You have to notice it, right?
2. “Does she think my penis is weird?” Does it hook too much to the left? Is it too skinny? Is it weirdly short but thick? Is it too small? Is it uncomfortably big? Is it hitting you in all the right spots or am I essentially penis-stabbing you?
3. “Am I coming too much or too little?” Is there really such a thing as “just the right amount of semen”? It’s tough to know if a lot is better or worse than barely coming at all.
4. “How terrifying do I look when I orgasm?” There is nothing flattering about my facial contortions. Parts of my face lock up while others go completely loose. There’s no way squeezing my eyes shut and opening my mouth as wide as I can at the same time looks good. Apologies if my orgasm just scared yours away.
5. “Oh, gross. I am dripping with sweat.” My ideal sexual environment would be an igloo, because it pretty much guarantees I wouldn’t drip sweat all over you as I’m crouched on top of you like a hunchback.
6. “How is my weird grunting not sending her running out of the room?” There’s no way any of the noises escaping my mouth would qualify as sexy to anyone.
7. “Are you faking your orgasm?” What if my whole life is a lie and I’m not really good in bed and every woman I’ve ever been with is lying to me?
8. “Oh, no. I’m getting a cramp.” That reverse-cowgirl we did earlier where my hips were completely in the air and were supporting your full body weight? My calves were about to explode.
9. “Are you even enjoying this position?” I’m enjoying myself only to look up and see your head in the corner of the bed underneath a pillow. Should I check up on you, or are you close and don’t care?
10. “Is my breath awful right now?” I’m really regretting asking for extra onions and garlic at lunch now that we’ve decided to spend the next 15 minutes to an hour with my mouth inches away from your nose.
11. “Is this taking too much time?” Sure, if I come within a minute or two, that’s pretty embarrassing. But so is blissfully pumping away while you’re sitting there motionless hoping I finish up in time for Scandal.
12. “Oh, man, how is my body this weirdly shaped?” I try to work out a bunch, and yet I refuse to stop eating burritos three times a week. Now, as I disrobe in front of you, I silently curse delicious fast foodstuffs.
13. “That weird squelching noise our wet bodies make together.” Everyone hates this noise and it doesn’t matter who you are, but it happens to you. Even Beyoncé and Jay Z make this noise.
14. “What are you thinking about?” Are you in the moment, or are you thinking about how you’re almost out of milk and should probably pick up a quart when this is all over?
15. “I hope she doesn’t look at my balls.” I know they look like the excess skin from a 60-year-old man who lost 200 pounds way too fast, but I can’t do much about it. There’s no botox for balls.
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